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Duchess

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[31 Mar 2009|01:25am]
Oh maaan, I miss Pascal. And I think I'm seriously getting anxiety again. I don't like this whole "I feel like I can't breathe" business. I think I'm beginning to really understand Pascal and his actions. I feel so much heartache and pain at not even being able to talk to Pascal. I don't even ahve a phone. I mean, wtf, seriously? I love him so much, but I sometimes secretly doubt my won competence, though I soldier on like I always do. I just don't like that it gets harder and harder to soldier on, you know? My emotions start to mess with my professional life. I feel like I want to rip my heart out out of my chest. Yes, I finally understand you Pascal! Man, this hurts, doesn't it? Even though you're not around I still feel a sort of companionship in the pain, because I know we are both suffering on our side of the world. I mean, damn, we really went for the impossible, huh? It's so funny to look back and see how far we have come. To look at all the different things we have done. And I am seriously amazed that we have made it thus far. I honestly don't know how much longer we can last. Yes, yes I do accept this fact, slowly, but surely. I just really feel like I'm being gutted alive when I thina about it. Because look, the fact IS that we LOVE each other. Love isn't the problem. Just the fucking circumstances... I mean, I'm a fucking lionness and I don't just give up so easy on someone I love... though it may seem like it... But a soulmate. Seriously, how many of us get lucky enough to even find one? I mean is it some cruel joke that the people who find their true loves can't be with them? Or they get taken away somehow? I mean, DAMN, THIS REALLY HURTS! LOVE reallllllly hurts. I think childbirth is going to be a cinch after living though heartache. What do I do? How do I stay focused when all my heart is violently screaming at me that she wants Pascal. She wants to talk to Pascal, sleep next to Pascal, have hot sex with Pascal, wants to have a big home with kids and a dog that I can handle with Pascal. Unless Pascal were to do something where he really broke my heart to the point where it would be absolutely immoral to stay with him, I know I can't accept another man in my life. He's my husband. I'm his wife. I don't know what's going to happen you know? What can I do? I really need a miracle right now. I cry tears of pain and frustration, Anything to help release some of the painful energy locked up inside me.

Dear God,
You healed me through Edda, but it seems like, man, you sure set your omnipotent mind to testing me to the max. I understand when I think about it that this is your way of getting me to go beyond what I think is capable and to test my power out as a human being and your spiritual daughter. I mine as well dedicate these writings to you, because no one else is going to see them. This can be our private time together. I mean it's set aside for myself but it's really time for us. So Lord, please help me. I mean, I have faith that you have a plan for me. That I am suppose to reach this high peak on the mountain I'm climbing. Dear Heavenly Father, I know that I have an amazing amount of strength and wisdom, though I know it's wise to recognize that I actually don't know really anything. I'm only 21. I live life through my heart, because somehow its how I remain connected to you and through you. Just please Lord, tell me, send me a dream, please tell me what am I suppose to do right now??? Lord, I want to live together with Pascal sooooo bad it aches. I mean, I know you know pain, and mine may seem minimal, but maaan, this still really hurts. It's so hard for me to focus when I know what I want and I can't get it. It's so difficult to go through life knowing the things you want and barely getting the things you need. Okay, I'm not being ungrateful here. I completely understand that there are worse lives and stories out there and I'm super glad that I scraped by as I have. I am so gratefulf for Dana and for Chris and for Doris and Pascal and even though I'm mad at my mom, I still love her, too. I don;t know, maybe I"m just a small ant in the great big sense of things and my ailings are small. BUt love is no small deal, I am sorry. You deal in the ways of Love. You are a God of Love. I know because you live through me. I feel your presence in my heart. So maybe I shouldn't worry and believe that everything will be okay as long as I take care of my business, but it would really help if I had a solid plan and a few strong rays poking form the end of this long tunnel. Dear Lord, I ask you in all honestly, what do I have to do? Am I suppose to give Pascal up? What is it? I really want to know so I can make some more sense out of my life. Please. Dad. Guide me. Give me direction and focus. Please bless my loved ones. Please let my marriage survive and for Pascal and I to be together, strong and with love. Just please. I also need a good dream, if that's possible. One that I can remember that tells me of good things to come. I want a sign (if that's not too much to ask for).

Thank you :)
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[25 Dec 2008|02:09am]


I hope you all have a good holiday!
 
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Random Question [20 Dec 2008|11:40pm]
Is it just me or have you noticed that Star Wars is a male Soap Opera?
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Ben Harper's "Fight Outta You" [20 Dec 2008|06:03pm]

I have learned: Don't let fear take the fight out of you.
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I want a tattoo like this one... [20 Dec 2008|04:13pm]

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WEDDING PICTURES ON FACEBOOK!!!! [17 Dec 2008|02:11am]
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=66915&l=3f24b&id=722501835

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=66892&l=83930&id=722501835

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=66919&l=5a4ff&id=722501835
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I swear... [15 Nov 2008|11:04pm]
[ mood | amused ]

...I sometimes really hate running into people from my old middle school/high school. I get looked down on like I'm still that dorky, uncool girl. Talk about awkward!  I ran into some of them and I totally got looked down upon by some of them and it was an awful feeling. I just wanted to say my condolences on the death of their cousin. People like that  made my younger years even harder than what it needed to be. Plus, seeing them brought back bad vibes from that part of my past. Or maybe they were secretly jealous because that awkward little girl grew up into a beautiful women with a shining spirit. Muahahahahaha!

...Anyways!

When I look back at going to Marshall, all I can remember is pain of loneliness and awkardness. God, I was awkward! lol. I'm so glad I left that school and went to East. You guys have no idea how much better Bako was for me than Pasadena at that period of time. Pasadena schools suck huge fat monkey balls.

Luckily, there are still some good friends from that period that I keep in touch with.

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....what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. [02 Sep 2008|01:20am]
[ mood | sad ]

Lord I am so damn frustrated! I hate being a part from my husband! We hate it hate it HATE IT. We belong together. We're perfect for each other and I can't enjoy him now.

Well, if you didn't know, Pascal didn't come back with me. We want to get his green card first while he works in Germany until he can come over. But this is just getting unbearable and its only been three weeks. This is the worse separation time ever. And I know I sound like a big baby but I want him really bad! And I don't necessarily mean in a sexual way even though that's a part of it. He's just such an awesome part of my life that I hate not being with him! It didn't hit me until today how much this is effecting me while it hit Pascal hard as soon as I left. The funny thing is that we were fine when the day arrived that I had to leave. We didn't cry or even feel sad when we were at the airport. We know that we're solid. But we became such an integral part of each other's lives during the last two months, especially since we're married now that its taking its toll on us. It just hurts so much not to be around each other. We're like too magnets pulling at each other from a distance but can't touch. God this hurts so much but I'd rather go through this pain of love than through the pain of not having anyone at all. I just need some sort of outlet and I hope school works since its starting tomorrow.

One of the few things that keeps me sane is the thought that Pascal and I were just meant to walk down this difficult road together and it will all be worth it in the end. I'm just blessed to have found my soulmate and what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.

Oh well, here are three pictures of us from the wedding:


After I just came down the aisle in the church.


After our first dance. We messed up a few times and I kept slipping on my dress, but we had fun so we ended big with a kiss.


I swear I fixed the red eye.. oh well, but here's a picture of me as a Mrs. with my handmade wedding band!

Oh and did I tell you that Pascal wanted to take my name so now I'm just Mrs. Blanco? =:)

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So [20 Aug 2008|08:21am]
I am back home now. I got back on Monday at 7:30pm. The flight was good. I flew with Air New Zealand. I watched Kung Fu Panda and read a book and slept most of the time. It was hard saying goodbye to people, but it was also the easiest because it wasn't "goodbye" it was more like "see you later," which I told people. It was, in fact, the easiest time to say goodbye to Pascal. I mean, we both hate being apart for so long, but we know we'll see each other soon enough. It's just a matter of time and paperwork.
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YEAH for me! [10 Aug 2008|11:59am]
It was my burfday saturday! weeee!
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Hey! [10 Jul 2008|07:32am]

So if you want to see pictures of the hurricane festival I put up an album on myspace www.myspace.com/sammie_bammie. yeah, theres like 134 pictures there. Unfortunately, radiohead pictures are on my cell and id ont know how to get them out.

Alright, I'll put more stuff up later

peace.

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[18 Jun 2008|09:22am]
[ mood | calm ]

I'm in Germany! Woooo! yeah for my first whole day here. Let's see. It's 9:23 am. Pascal is at work and I'm home alone with the dad's wife. All is good. SO much more peaceful here than back home. I actually feel like a woman, weird as it sounds to say something like that. Respected as a comptent person except that I donn't really speak much German, though I catch to what a lot is being said. I better, with those four semesters of German I took. Buuut, I think I will definitely catch on much better this time around than before.

So Today, I have an appointment with Pascal at a ring making place thingy since we are making our own rings. lol. Also, I'm going to the HURRICANE FESTIVAL this weekend! Wooooo! Yeah for beer, music, and craziness! I will take lots of pictures.

So there's my update on Germany so far!

I hate to say this, but comment or something if your reading this please. I hate asking but I want to know this thing is being read. Let's be interactive. yeah! lol.

Ok, enough. I'll totally update later.

5 are saved

OMG [14 Jun 2008|08:21am]
[ mood | excited ]

I'm a bundles of nerves!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!

Can't sit still. I get moments of so much anxious, anticipating nerves that I might throw up and I try to take deep breathes to calm me down. AAAAAAAA.


hahahahhahahaha. Omg, I can't believe I'm going to Germany in two days!

Man, if I'm getting this anxious over flying there, how am I going to survive my own wedding???? AAAAAAAA.

Well, I'm going to finish up some other important chores. Hopefully my nerves will calm down.

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Life Fucking Rocks! [13 Jun 2008|12:38am]
[ mood | anxious/excited ]

Wooo! I'm going to the Hurricane Festival in Germany! It's a huge rock festival and Radiohead is playing, NoFX, billy talent, flogging molly and a bunch of other bands. Pascal got me tickets. Going with a bunch of his friends next weekend. Should be be a bunch of fun mass mayhem. Because those guys go fucking nuts and I'm going to soak it all up.

I recently bought a green digital camera just for this summer. Waiting for it be in the Friday mail.

I'm leaving this monday!

I'm really freaked out because I just spent tons of money on my wedding make-up. I wanted to have heart attack but since its for my wedding. I'll live. I'm just a little freaked out over money because its like $1.54 to a Euro. I mean, I have so much to think about and still a lot of stuff I want to get. I didn't expect my make-up to be so expensive!

I need another suitcase.

 Being young and financially insecure is really catching up to me, but I think I'll live.

I have so much to dooo! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

I could use two more days but I would love to be there already. I miss Pascal and I[m so glad I get to see him on Tuesday!  It's been about 7 short months since I've seen him. I last saw him December 1st. Where did all the time go?!?

Wish me luck! (i'm getting married! hehe)

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too much caffeine! plus wedding updates! [27 May 2008|10:52pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Sooooo, I am leaving to Hamburg, Germany in three weeks or less than twenty days from this point in time. I still have all these mad little details to do. I'm so close to getting my dress altered and finished, but my mom's seamstress friend wants to try a small petticoat under my dress to see how it will look. If it looks good then there's no need to alter it. Buuuut, I dunno, I'm willing to try it out because it won't hurt, but this dress needs to get done AND FAST.

I ordered some wedding shoes last night from Zappos.com. Shouldn't take to long to get here because they upgraded my shipping for free and they have already taken the money from my account. This is the third pair of shoes I have ordered. The first pair were shiny silver and had a cool design but alas- my feet were too wide. Second pair were beautiful peep toe shoes with a small rhinestone brooch, but guess what? My feet were too wide! They are the bane of my wedding preparation experience. lol. So, hopefully I've struck gold with this next pair because a reviewer said that the shoe hid the bunion she had and were comfortable and I am like CHA CHING! Because I have an unfortunate bunion too which I inherited from my mother. You see, the problem is that I have duck feet -- short but wide. Yes, it sounds like a mean way to describe one's feet but it's the truth. My feet aren't ugly, they're just unique. It would be okay if I had a longer foot because they offer wides in 6.5 and up. Oh well. Here are the shoes!

My bridal shower is this Saturday at Alison's aunt's house near Ventura. Then we're going to the beach afterwards! yeah!

On another note:

Eddie Izzard has got to be one of my favorite comedians!

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Stereotypes [14 May 2008|11:46pm]
[ mood | okay ]

In German class we've been talking about stereotypes since its a chapter in our book. We talk about German and American stereotypes. Its kind of depressing to talk about the American stereotype. They think we're nice and superficial. Like how we small talk and its insincere. You don't really care about the other person. I mean, I totally understand because, yeah, there are A LOT of fake niceness that goes around. But when you ask a German person who isn't familiar with what we mean when we ask how are you will tell you everything about there day. They'll complain about the weather, their health. lol. And then I was watching something on youtube with a funny, kinky French song, and one person says one bad thing about the French and then ALLLLLL these comments bashing America and that we have no culture and bla da bla da bla. Ok, 1) I know its youtube and they have fucking biased ass stupid people. But, it just fit into what we've been talking about in German class lately. It just makes me kinda sad that this is how we are regarded, especially because of Bush. Personally though, I have never experienced bashing because I'm American. I've been asked questions and Pascal sometimes made jokes when I was in Germany. But see, what frustrates me is that none of these people realize we Americans are as diverse as our landscape. We get judged by our president that doesn't represent us, stupid Hollywood celebrity antics, movies/TV, and whatever else goes on. And yeah, there are so many fake, superficial people, especially L.A. people. Yes, Hollywood is disappointing and our school test scores suck. But I feel like, even though we're falling a part around the edges and some in the center, this is still a good place to be. We're just in a slump. Its not like we've never been down before. I just hope we can pick ourselves up and restore our honor before its too late. Because sometimes even I feel like we're going to hell in a hand basket. But, maybe a little positivity and belief in ourselves as a whole can restore our crumbling system.

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Water water everywhere [09 May 2008|03:33pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I always seem to have dreams with water in it. I dream of water parks and water slides. Waves crashing, tsunamis or jumping off of waterfalls. I dunno. I just wonder why I dream of water so much. At least my chasing dreams have stopped.

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Some days... [20 Apr 2008|01:42am]
...I'm just more needy and that's okay.

I love making new serious friends. I spent 2 hours after work talking with one of my co-workers. She's rocks. Yay! for talking!
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Can I get a YEAAAAAH?!?! OKAY! [14 Apr 2008|07:39pm]
Wooo! I got my airline ticket this past week! I"m flying with Air New Zealand. I'm going to love listening to their accents!

I'm so excited you guys! But I get so nervous and anxious when I read things like etiquette books or what to do for the big day. It's really weird and another reason why I'm so happy Pascal is doing most of the planning. I would have an anxiety attack. lol.

So things are coming along. It's possible we might not get to have an outdoor wedding like we originally wanted because of price and also the unpredictability of German weather, but we might have a church wedding instead. My orders are to sit and think about it. A boat wedding was even suggested but the parking situation would be ridiculous and again, potential bad weather. So who knows? Germany has some big old beautiful churches especially in Hamburg, where Pascal lives. Hamburg is an amazing city. I love it.
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How Simba Was Made [06 Apr 2008|11:40pm]
[ mood | amused ]


I'm sorry, but I think this picture is funny as hell. Some things just transcend species.

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